Chasing Tail in Two Cities – that was the Charles Dickens book, right? The dating pool of New York City, and that of Philadelphia, are queer and vast. In both major hubs for LGBTQ+ folks, with bars and gays galore, I hunted down two friends with more dating experience than Carrie Bradshaw. Fortunately, they were more than willing to share their hard-earned wisdom.
Finding love takes time and energy anywhere. You may think finding connections and dating are easier for city dwellers, but that isn’t the case. In talking to friends, I learned of red flags brighter than the Empire State Building’s nightly glow and alarms louder than the Liberty Bell. As someone who lives split between these two cities, hoping to move to one, I was eager to hear how the worlds compare.
I chatted with rising comedian Mustafaa Simpson, who spilled all the tea on dating in the Big Apple. We hope you appreciate Mustafaa’s honesty and hopeful insight for the future of dating in Brooklyn and beyond. The other interviewee hopes to remain anonymous, so we’ll call him Chili, from Philly.
Both men are in their late 20s and speak from four years of city-specific, cis dating experiences. May their sexpertise come in handy for your future handies. Or help you to find love in a city near you.
In your opinion, what’s the ratio of Tops to Bottoms to Verse to Sides?
NYC ANSWER (Simpson): Haha, jumping right into it, huh! I think that being a Vers person in New York City, there are always other Vers people who are into a lot. It’s kinda hard to not have options if you don’t limit yourself to only one thing.
PHILLY ANSWER (Chili): The ratio is pretty good I would say almost 1:1, except I see a lot of the tops labeled as “vers-top”. I think there is a lot of flexibility between these dynamics and I’ve definitely met a few sides.
What’s the breakdown of bears/otters/twinks/other?
NYC ANSWER (Simpson): Ugh I’m gonna try so hard to not sound like a twink hater, but I feel like I hear that word way too much. Living in a fashion city there’s a lot of thin people so there’s a lot of twinks haha. But there’s definitely a lot of other body types too. I think they are just less self-describing
PHILLY ANSWER (Chili): I’m an equal opportunity employer. I don’t pay attention to these ratios, although I have a special interest in otters. There can never be enough otters.
A gay friend from out of town comes to visit, one or two spots you take them?
NYC ANSWER (Simpson): When any of my gay friends visit, they know me, and I know me. And gay or straight or any sexuality I’m very much a dive bar kinda person. The cheaper the beer the better. So the places I take my friends usually aren’t gay bars. But for the sake of being gay, I like..don’t make me say it, Animal. I like some places that have an outside area, the city has a lot of that. A Sunday afternoon or evening there can be fun.
PHILLY ANSWER (Chili): We are going to Dirty Franks and maybe Tabu. If you go to Woody’s – you’re a tourist.
Are people in your city looking more for pleasure or permanence?
NYC ANSWER (Simpson): Hmm, I think it truly depends on the person and where you are in your life. When you’re younger pleasure is nice, but as you grow older it’s more about stability.
PHILLY ANSWER (Chili): They are looking for the permanence of pleasure, in my experience. If they say they’re looking for permanence, what they mean is that they’re looking for pleasure in a safe environment for a limited time.
What are the ways you meet potential hookups? Does your city offer unique opportunities?
NYC ANSWER (Simpson): I used to definitely be an App guy. I get really shy talking to people in public, so that was never my thing. But it was always a goal of mine to do more IRL flirting.
PHILLY ANSWER (Chili): You can meet potential hookups anywhere, go to a bar and strike up a conversation. There are also plenty of queer book clubs, gaming communities, sports leagues, and other opportunities outside of that environment.
What is one thing you would change/adjust about gays in your city?
NYC ANSWER (Simpson): I think this doesn’t have as much to do with NYC, more of a worldwide gay issue. I wish we could all be a little nicer. I get that we all like to strut and serve cunt, but as a community I wish there was more kindness.
PHILLY ANSWER (Chili): This isn’t necessarily about the men themselves but dating culture in general. There is something paralyzing in the amount of choice, and many are stuck between wanting to locate the perfect partner or enjoying their hyper-independence. Much of those who are in the dating pool are unwilling to realize not every moment of their life will be comfortable but therein lies the reward of a committed relationship.
In a city so full of people – What role does anonymity play in the hookup culture here, and do you think it strengthens or weakens personal connections?
NYC ANSWER (Simpson): Being anonymous is never anything that I’ve been into. I mean, yeah, I don’t want my dick [pics] all over the Internet but I definitely need a face and at least a couple of jokes exchanged before I hookup with someone.
PHILLY ANSWER (Chili): There are definitely opportunities for anonymous hookups at clubs or through apps, if you are into that. I personally don’t see any reality where that kind of environment strengthens personal connections, so I’m not really part of that.
Favorite romantic spots for a great gay first date?
NYC ANSWER (Simpson): One of my favorite places to take a date is to my rooftop. I love my rooftop. I’m always up there. Take a bottle of wine up there and look at the skyline. It’s nice and personal and a great place for talking.
PHILLY ANSWER (Chili): If I tell you my favorite, it would become so inflated with pedestrians I’d have to stop going. My second favorite spot is somewhere relaxed where I can get a great dirty martini. While not a dedicated LGBT spot, Sassafras is a fantastic cocktail bar.
How chivalrous have the men in your city been?
NYC ANSWER (Simpson): I’ve rarely been disrespected but definitely haven’t experienced chivalry. Maybe ‘cause I’m the one that’s usually being chivalrous. I’m from the south so maybe it’s my southern charm.
PHILLY ANSWER (Chili): Not very, but then they mirror me for a short time and it’s incredibly romantic until they can no longer walk the walk.
Warnings or red flags from guys in your city?
NYC ANSWER (Simpson): The only negative thing is, it always seems like everyone knows everyone and everyone’s f*cked everyone. It’s always refreshing to meet someone who’s not in that circle.
PHILLY ANSWER (Chili): Be on the lookout for love bombing for sure. Listen for [signs] of emotionally unavailable guys, and avoid guys who say they want to meet you but won’t put in any effort in planning a meet-up. Some guys are just looking for a pen pal.
Do you think the love of your life is in your city?
NYC ANSWER (Simpson): I actually am dating someone right now so maybe! Hopefully! Love is love and there’s always connections to be made throughout life, and throughout different cities, romantic or not. Keep your heart open to love.
PHILLY ANSWER (Chili): I am the love of my life and I am where my feet are. The idea that the love of my life lives externally to me is a fraud scheme on the American people who want them to feel as if they are lacking something so they self-soothe with the tools of overconsumption inherent to capitalism.
