For a long time, hookup culture was framed as a defining feature of gay male life, but in 2026, that narrative is starting to feel increasingly incomplete. In a landscape molded by instant access, swipe-based apps, and endless choice, more gay men are beginning to question not just how often they’re connecting, but how authentic those connections actually feel. Is gay culture experiencing a shift away from casual sex, or is it simply evolving to include more awareness of its emotional limits? We sat down with queer sex educator at pjur, Tim Lagman, to learn more.
So.Gay: Are gay men actually burning out on hookup culture, or is this just a narrative that resurfaces every few years?
Tim: I think it’s both. It’s real, and it does come up over and over again, and for good reason. The conversation comes up when people feel they’ve had enough, but that doesn’t make it any less valid. Scale and speed of hooking up make a big difference. Apps have made sex more accessible, which means people reach their burnout threshold faster.
So.Gay: Many still consider hookup culture to be central to gay male identity. Is that changing? Is hookup culture actually representative of most gay men’s experiences, or has it become an overgeneralized stereotype?
Tim: Hooking up is a very central and important part of gay male social life, especially when other forms of connection are not available, but it’s not universal. Gay men are carving out different ways of relating, dating, and building intimacy. The hookup stereotype is the loudest and most visible, but it’s unable to capture the full range of gay male experiences.
So.Gay: What does “hookup burnout” look like in real life (i.e., emotional, mental, or sexual consequences)?
Tim: Emotional numbness, low libido, loss of motivation, a sense of obligation, and transactional sex instead of enjoyment. It can show up differently per person, but these are the most common signs of hookup burnout. The burnout doesn’t come from having too much sex but more from having sex that doesn’t feel meaningful or aligned.
So.Gay: Have you noticed a shift in how gay men approach sex and dating post-pandemic?
Tim: Some gay men leaned in harder to casual sex as a response to isolation, while others crave deeper emotional connection. I find that there’s more intentionality, and people are asking themselves what they actually want from connections instead of what’s available.
So.Gay: How have dating and hookup apps changed the way gay men experience intimacy and connection? Do you feel the apps make sex feel more accessible, or more transactional?
Tim: Apps make connecting easily attainable, especially for people who might not have had a community to begin with. But on the other hand, it makes connecting so efficient that it feels like a business transaction. Like we’re browsing instead of genuinely connecting.
So.Gay: Is the constant availability of partners contributing to burnout?
Tim: Yes. Novelty creates excitement, and excitement gives us a high. But a high is temporary and doesn’t satisfy us in the long run. It also makes it harder to recognize when you’re actually fulfilled because we’re always asking ourselves what else is out there.
So.Gay: How does hookup culture intersect with issues like loneliness, validation, or self-worth?
Tim: It can both soothe and amplify the problem. Hooking up can provide connection, affirmation and pleasure. For others, it’s a way to seek validation where being hot is their source of currency. When the validation is inconsistent, it can trigger more feelings of loneliness instead of resolving them.
So.Gay: As a sex educator, what are the most common complaints you hear from gay men about hookup culture right now?
Tim: Common themes are people mentioning they feel disconnected, ghosted, or replaceable. There’s a frustration with surface-level interactions, a lack of communication, and unclear intentions. We want something more intentional, but we feel the environment doesn’t support that.
So.Gay: Let’s talk about changing desires. Are more gay men starting to prioritize emotional intimacy over casual sex at this point in time? Or is it that they don’t want less sex, they just want better sex? Tell me about what shifts you’re seeing, and why you think they’re happening.
Tim: It’s about wanting alignment. Many people don’t necessarily want less sex. They want sex that feels better, more connected, and more intentional. Emotional intimacy is becoming part of having good sex instead of being separated from it. Sex positivity is about supporting people in making choices that feel good for them, and that includes recognizing when something isn’t sustainable. You are allowed to hook up, but it’s important to pause when it’s detrimental to you.
So.Gay: Is it possible to enjoy casual sex without experiencing burnout? How can queer men maintain a healthy relationship with hook-up culture without feeling burned out?
Tim: Enjoying casual sex without burnout requires boundaries. That means being selective, checking in with your motivations, or taking a break when you feel drained. Casual sex works when it’s intentional, not habitual.
So.Gay: What would you say to someone who feels stuck in a hookup cycle they’re no longer enjoying, and what’s one small shift they can make to feel more connected to themselves or others?
Tim: Allow yourself a reprieve from pressure. Pause. Get curious. What are you actually hoping to feel? Slow down and take a break from the apps. Engage only when you feel a genuine desire instead of boredom.
So.Gay: Can you provide some alternative ways to reconnect with pleasure that aren’t reliant on apps or casual encounters?
Tim: Solo exploration can help reconnect with pleasure. Masturbation, using sex toys, exploring dance, and different kinds of touch. Expanding the definition of what pleasure is to you that is outside of partner-based interactions can be really healing and an essential part of self-care that doesn’t rely on casual encounters and apps.
So.Gay: In your opinion, what might the future of gay dating and sex look like in the next few years? Do you think alternative spaces like events, sober parties, or intimacy workshops might start to replace apps and lead to a decline in hookup culture?
Tim: I think apps will still exist, but I also think there is a space for sober parties and intimacy workshops. We want connections that feel more human and less driven by an algorithm. Hooking up will not disappear, but I hope we can make space for other ways to connect, and it will no longer be the default.
