As kink and BDSM gain more visibility both in online spaces and pop culture, “ordinary” sex, aka vanilla sex, has developed a bit of an image problem. But for many people, leaning into the vanilla may actually be more liberating than performing an adventurous sex life they never craved in the first place.
Vanilla is a term that’s often used to describe sex without a kink or fetish – while it’s intended to be neutral, it can often sound dismissive in certain contexts. Vanilla sex can still be passionate and creative. It can be just as satisfying as kinky sex, despite being seen as “less than” by some.
An unusual sexual confession
At a certain point in history, admitting you were interested in kink felt taboo. Now, we have the opposite problem – in many online and queer spaces, confessing that you enjoy uncomplicated and affectionate vanilla sex has led to its own form of shaming. With terms like “dom,” “sub,” “brat,” and “praise kink” entering the everyday lexicon, conventional intimacy has begun to be seen as something to be embarrassed of.
People flaunt their kinky sexual adventurousness online, leading others to wonder, “Am I doing enough?”
Kink educator and professional dominatrix Mistress Marley tells So.Gay, “To me, great sex isn’t defined by how many toys are on the nightstand, but rather it’s defined by connection, chemistry, and the intention behind the intimacy. Vanilla gets mistaken for boring because people confuse “basic” with lack of passion, when in reality two connected partners can have incredibly fulfilling sex without ever having to dabble in kink.”
Did kink go mainstream, or did the definition of vanilla expand?
Activities that were once seen as kinky are now considered mainstream, such as blindfolds, bringing sex toys into your routine, and integrating certain types of dirty talk. This goes to show that the kink hierarchy isn’t a rigid one – it’s always evolving as the culture becomes more open about sex, so even those who think they’re vanilla might be kinkier than they think.
Rather than seeing things in black and white, sexual preferences are a spectrum, and they can change at any point in your life. What might be an adventurous experiment for one person might be an ordinary Monday night for another. Just because a certain kink or activity is trending online doesn’t mean that someone should feel obligated to enjoy it.
Are we performing our sex lives for the internet?
If comparison is the devil’s tool, then social media is a special kind of hell. Platforms like Instagram and TikTok have turned sexual identity into a form of personal branding. The internet loves an easily recognizable label, and rewards people who get provocative just for shock value. Both social media platforms and dating apps can put pressure on people; pressure to appear sexually fearless and experimental, or more experienced than they are in a certain area, and there’s real danger in that.
Marley adds, “I believe there is definitely some pressure, especially in this “FOMO” era of social media where everyone feels like they are missing out if they aren’t engaging in what’s trending. We’ve reached a point where some people feel they need to “perform” being sexually liberated. The healthiest sex life isn’t the most outrageous one, instead it’s the one where both people feel safe, excited, and genuinely enthusiastic about what’s happening.”
Someone might consent to an activity because it fits the identiy they want to project, but they might not genuinely desire it. Being sex-positive should mean respecting peoples choices – both kinky and vanilla – as well as the choice to not participate in certain acts. Experimenting with something new is completely fine, but it’s important to remember that novelty isn’t a measure of how good you are in bed.
The unique pressure this places on queer sex
Historically, queer sex has been treated as unconventional or hypersexual by mainstream society, and within queer communities, that history can make room for freedom to reject a traditional sexual script. That said, that freedom wander into murkier territory with the expectation that queer sex must be experimental or kinky for it to be valid.
Queer people who enjoy less adventurous sex may not feel “queer enough” or might feel pressure to adopt specific roles or labels in the bedroom before giving themselves the time to explore what they actually enjoy. Factors like gender affirmation and chosen language are added factors for trans and non-binary people that can’t be reduced to a vanilla-versus-kink binary, while people on the asexual spectrum often experience pleasure in a way that doesn’t prioritize conventional sex whatsoever.
What vanilla partners can learn from BDSM (and how to make vanilla sex more conventional)
People who identify as vanilla can still benefit from many of BDSM’s underlying principles. Mistress Marley shares, “BDSM teaches skills that every relationship can benefit from in my opinion: communication, negotiation, consent, trust, and aftercare. Those principles need to be present in a healthy relationship whether you’re holding hands or holding a whip.”
Negotiate and communicate before intimacy
People who practice BDSM talk about their boundaries and desires before a scene, and vanilla couples can do the same, discussing what they want before intimacy starts.
Lean into anticipation
An anticipation kink is on the more vanilla end of the kinky spectrum. BDSM pays close attention to the ritual of buildup, and vanilla couples can do the same by flirting or sexting in the daytime and slowing down to luxuriate in the art of foreplay.
Consent is ongoing
Consent isn’t confirmed one time and then taken for granted throughout intimacy. People should feel free to pause, stop, or change their mind at any time.
Practice aftercare
Aftercare isn’t just for kink. Check in with your partner after playtime with cuddling, pillow talk, food, water, or quiet time (either alone or with one another) as you come down from the euphoria of sex.
We asked Mistress Marley one final question: does she think that vanilla sex can really be just as exciting and satisfying as kink? She left us with this wisdom: “To me, great sex isn’t defined by how many toys are on the nightstand, but rather by the sense of connection, chemistry, and intention behind the intimacy. Vanilla gets mistaken for boring because people confuse “basic” with lack of passion, when in reality two connected partners can have incredibly fulfilling sex without ever having to dabble in kink.”
