Do gay New Yorkers choose to stay single, or does singledom simply happen to them? Certainly, a question for Oprah. For many of the city’s eligible bachelors, the truth seems to fall between Mister Independent and #ForeverAlone.
So.Gay polled the 18,000-strong “NYC Gay Bros” community on Reddit, asking why they’re still single. It was like opening Pandora’s box, with members eagerly sharing their strong—and often controversial—opinions on what keeps them swiping for the next.
The mental tug-of-war between absolute freedom and the comfort of having someone to cuddle is like a thorny rose.
Of course, the joys and woes of dating are unique to each person, but we’ve distilled the input of nearly 100 gay men into ten reasons why so many New Yorkers aren’t enjoying the perks of a two-income household.
- You’re still processing the trauma of being closeted
Cut yourself some slack! Growing up selling a lie can have immeasurable consequences on navigating the world as an adult, especially in dating. You need to unlearn all the projections of heteronormativity while learning to own who you are.
For @HenriettaCactus, this manifested as being afraid of his lust, especially growing up with predominantly straight friends. “If I had any feelings at all for anyone, it MUST mean they’re unavailable, so the urge to pursue has always been tied to the danger of pursuit. It’s a big ugly soup that I’m pretty slowly but surely digesting in therapy,” he said.
- You just got out of a long-term relationship
It seems that the closet isn’t the only space from which gay men need healing; sharing their lives with another gay person—and having it go sour—can also leave lasting wounds.
Some gay men expressed being single solely for the fact that they were previously taken, and this breed of daters should come with a warning flag for dates not to get immediately attached.
“I was a serial monogamist for a long time (about a decade) when I was growing up, and then after a relationship that was pretty traumatic, I realized I needed to work on myself,” said @Chance-Two4210. “ I promised myself a year off and enjoyed it so much and grew so much that I just never went back.”
- Diversity (in sex) is the spice of life
Some guys don’t feel the need to be in a relationship because apps like Grindr and Sniffies provide easy access to hookups. Open relationships are one way to enjoy multiple partners while still having the intimacy of a relationship, but some people genuinely believe it’s not worth the hassle.
- You don’t fit conventional gay beauty standards
@RegyptianStrut doesn’t feel he has been able to score a partner because he’s not a “buff gym bro or a twink, so it’s not like I fit the most valued standards.”
Others echoed this sentiment of feeling that the beauty competition makes it difficult to stand out. Such as @BigongDamdamin, who said, “I’m single primarily because I am not the conventionally go-to guy in the city. POC, no abs, short guy, a bit chunky, and all.”
First, remember that the magic of the gay community is the fact that mutual attraction finds itself between the most unlikely partners across myriad subcultures, tastes, and kinks.
Second, question if you’re placing the burden of meeting conventional beauty standards on the men you date… which is often the root of this problem.
- Racial stereotypes make dating unpleasant
Unfortunately, some negative dating experiences are only shouldered by marginalized bodies.
For example, @TJDIndustries said, “No one wants a Black bottom. Porn has truly ruined us with that BBC nonsense.”
While we can’t deny the fact the concept of BBC has been tokenized by the gay and straight community alike, we urge you to put yourself out there and let gay men prove you wrong.
While everyone should appreciate the beauty and versatility of all races, it’s true that people of color and Asian individuals often face more rejection on dating apps. Society still has much work to do to achieve equality in dating.
- MONEY, MONEY, MONEY
Whether you’re trying to marry into wealth or avoiding being another person’s meal ticket, money changes the rules of the game of love.
@Afraid_Astronaut8246 said, “Don’t have enough or have more than others, and it’s hard to figure out real intentions. $ is how anyone is judged.”
For this reason, some New Yorkers prefer to date after their careers are figured out, but that still makes money part of the equation for their singledom.
- You’re a sucker for self-sabotage
If there were a more New York-esque reason, we’d like to hear it.
- The couples you know are miserable
The ripple effects of visibility don’t always work in its favor. Some gay men shared prioritizing being single because the couples they know resent each other or are too controlling of each other’s freedom.
@daddygirl_industries said, “I’ve never met a happy gay couple. Relationships can feel like policing—constant check-ins and surveillance…It’s a binding contract. I don’t like that.”
For any couple reading this: PDA? Yes. Screaming matches? Only from the comfort of your home.
- You only like toxic masculinity or straight dudes
As simply put by @Zantra3000, “I’m only attracted to straight men, and straight men don’t want to fuck me.”
- You’re a hypocrite
Unfortunately, dating in New York often results in meeting people who want you to date as they say but not necessarily as they do.
Our best example would be @duhhmico, who shared, “I like to sleep with multiple people but get incredibly jealous if someone I’m with does the same.”
In other words, good luck out there, gays.
