Plenty of people claim to be “relationship experts,” but how right is their insight? Your buddy who always has a hookup on their way over or the friend in a ‘seemingly stable nonmonogamous situationship’ can certainly offer their perspective. Then you’re limited to just their view, leaving room for confusion or truly regrettable advice.
Learn how to navigate the ups and downs from a true relationship guru. You should be reading therapist Tom Bruett’s new book, The Go-To Relationship Guide for Gay Men. Hear from someone who has not only mediated every relationship issue under the sun but has found a way to repurpose others’ journeys into applicable lessons for LGBTQ+ folks.
Tom Bruett walks the walk and talks the talk. Just as he advises couples and members of the LGBTQ+ community in his therapy office, Bruett pulls from his personal experiences as much as his professional training. Having been married and divorced, Bruett’s proven that there is no perfect path to partnership. His guidance comes from lessons learned and important observations made.
After years of offering different excerpts of advice from other authors, he realized some clients were left stranded with tips only applicable to straight people. The lack of a conclusive and informed queer guide convinced Bruett to put his pen to paper.
Bruett joined So.Gay for a conversation on his new book, which releases March 21st. Order it today and be the most informed partner that your future husband ever has. Be the man who understands, explores without shame, and learns from the teachings of Tom Bruett.
Tom, thank you so much for joining us at So.Gay. I know our readers and audience will appreciate the insight and experience that you’ve shared in this book… How have your years as a therapist, and even past relationships, informed your writing?
Tom Bruett: When we go to therapy school, they tell us not to share too much about our personal lives. But for me, I felt like I couldn’t write this book and not share some bits of my personal life, so it was a different experience for me. I’ve had some clients read it, and to put yourself out there in this way can feel vulnerable, but that is exactly what I’m encouraging people to do in their relationships. I felt like I couldn’t be a hypocrite. I had to practice what I was preaching.
This all started because several years ago, I got gay married and gay divorced. It was a really difficult and painful process. I wish I had some resource like this book before I entered into that relationship. After I got out of that relationship, I really went to work on myself. I got kind of deep in my own personal therapy journey.
I also did a lot of training. Training in the model that I talk about in the book for about eight years. I’ve gone really deep, and the people who founded this model of couples therapy, Drs. Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson… have become mentors of mine. They really have encouraged me to adapt this approach for queer folks. I got really tired as a therapist of saying, “Well, read this really great book, but pretend like it’s written for gay people” because our relationships are different. I think there are a lot of similarities, but there are also some really important distinctions. I wanted to create a resource that people could just pick up right away. Dive into it and feel themselves represented in the stories and the examples that are present.
The book really is a great resource, especially with reflective questions at the end of each chapter. Why is it so important for people to have these conversations and put in the work, whether it be for themselves or for their partner?
T.B.: I would change the word ‘work’ to ‘effort’ because work sounds really boring, and nobody wants to go to work. People want to put effort into things that are important to them, so I like using the gym analogy when thinking about relationships. Working on your relationship or putting effort into it is like going to the gym, and if you want to improve your physical health in some way, it takes time and effort. If you want to make a change in your relationship or in your own personal life, you have to put in some effort. If it is important to you, then you’re going to take some risks. You’re going to be vulnerable and that’s why I structured the book in the way that I did. I wanted people to read some information, but knowledge is not understanding. I hope people can practically bring it into their lives and their relationships. If you’re one of those people who can skip the questions at the end of a chapter, I’m really encouraging you not to do that. Set aside the time and journal about it. Even just read the questions and think about them.
In the book, you share wisdom as an “elder millennial gay.” Over the years of dating, what red flags have you seen that maybe some of our other generations of readers can learn from?
T.B.: Certainly… be able to know your own internal regulation system. So when you go on a date with somebody or meet somebody, if you’re not feeling right and something is off inside, that, to me, is a red flag. Avoid that relationship or do not go deeper into that connection because so often we will just push through those red flags. Our nervous system is telling us, in one way or another. I learned personally in the dating process, back when I was doing it more, you have to be able to be fully yourself. If you’re not fully yourself, if you’re putting on some kind of facade to try to connect with somebody, you’re ultimately going to be connecting with the wrong type of person. There are plenty of people out there, and if you feel like something is not right, don’t force it. So many people try to force things and they stay in relationships longer than they probably should because they’re not the right fit for them.
I can already think of a few Gen Z friends of mine who’d benefit from that advice and everything else you share in the book. One phrase from the book that really stuck with me is “second queer adolescence” Can you talk about what that means and entails?
T.B.: I certainly didn’t come up with the phrase, but I think I’ve incorporated it into my Seven Stages of Queer Relationship Development because I think it’s super important. Many of us who identify as queer, gay or however- we’re in that kind of sexual minority zone. Our process of going through puberty looks different than our heterosexual counterparts. We may be experimenting with people that we’re not actually attracted to in actual physical puberty. Then it’s not until later, when we come to know more about ourselves, that we actually connect with people who we are sexually and romantically attracted. That will oftentimes happen at a later point, sometimes after somebody gets into their first queer relationship, and then they’re like, “Oh wow, the floodgates are open, and I’m gonna sleep with as many people as I can and have as many connections and experiences as I can,” and that is actually really important. Through that process of exploration, you learn more about yourself and if you’re actually gonna do that, you have to get to know more about your thoughts, feelings, wishes and desires. Until you do that, it’s going to be difficult to actually have a real connected relationship. Some people will meet somebody and have this second queer adolescence experience, and then they will be able to stay in that relationship and continue to grow through that. But not everybody has that capacity.
You share so many authentic stories of folks coming to your office and sharing what they’re going through… I’d love to know about your experience of working with Polyamous folks/couples and how they navigate it with respect for their partner?
T.B.: Yeah, so any form of consensual nonmonogamy or CNM, whether it’s polyamory, an open relationship, monogamous, or whatever – you know, folks are doing what works for them. Going back to yourself and really being connected to what’s important to you. Sometimes I see a lot of trouble happen when people agree to a relationship structure that they don’t actually approve of. So if you’re a people pleaser and you want to stay in this relationship because you really love this partner, and they want an open relationship and you don’t, that’s where a lot of trouble happens. You get into this dilemma or impasse that a couple can have.
There’s lots of ways to be healthy and monogamous, and there’s lots of ways to be healthy and nonmonogamous. There isn’t really a right or a wrong here, it’s really about what works for you. This may feel a little bit provocative to some people in the community. There’s this real strong hold onto monogamy, that monogamy is the only type of relationship structure that actually counts or is valid. We’ve all been systemically programmed to get on this relationship escalator which starts with dating, then kids, then marriage, then the house in the suburbs. It’s very heteronormative. There’s nothing wrong with that if that’s what you want, but get clear with yourself if that’s actually what you want.
You’re a big advocate for folks to explore their interests through conversation. Can you discuss the topic of erotic orientation and why couples should get on the same page about navigating that?
T.B.: Erotic orientation, it’s what actually turns you on. What you know you like. It’s different than sexual orientation. Sexual orientation is: I may only be attracted to people who identify as male. But erotic orientation, you could be attracted to lots of different things. It could be group sex, public sex, lots of different things. Getting to know what actually turns you on is so important and so often we don’t do that. If you’re in a relationship that feels super safe, you can actually know what turns you on and share that with a partner. Your partner may not love everything that turns you on, but somewhere in the middle, you could find the overlap in the Venn diagram. For couples who are in CNM relationships, they can more likely go out and explore with other people or other kinds of situations. If you’re in a monogamous relationship, you can explore through sexual fantasy, porn, erotica, or just kind of describing your fantasy in depth to your partner or role play… so often, though, we were like, “oh, we’re top or bottom, we’re side.” We just sort of put ourselves into a box. That’s not really describing what actually turns you on, what’s actually exciting and erotic.
One way that couples can bond together, that you mentioned in the book is through joint projects. A lot of folks either play video games together or do something outside the home, like ceramics. How can couples go about finding activities they both like?
T.B.: It starts with knowing what your hobbies are… Ask yourself, are you interested in pottery, community theater productions, or learning erotic massages? Then, take a risk and share it with your partner. Again, your partner doesn’t have to be interested in every single thing that you’re interested in. But you could try the act of actually trying something fresh together, learning a new skill, doing a course, whatever it is, as bonding. Oftentimes people who have been together for a while, they stop actually nurturing the relationship in meaningful ways. That’s when you can fall into patterns and things start to get boring. To keep things interesting and exciting, it’s important that both of you are excited about something. You can collaborate on it together because that will ignite some of the feelings from the Honeymoon Stage. You know, if you’re in a relationship with somebody, there was a period where you were super excited to be connected to them and everything. When the sparks were flying, and all that creative juice was flowing. I think it’s important to continue nurturing that and bringing that into your relationship throughout its course.
Hopefully they’ll find shared joy in reading this book together. I’d love to bring up a quote from the book that stuck with me, as therapy can be a hot-button issue in some circles. “The goal here is not to make the trauma go away or fully heal it so you could stick a bow on it and move on. The goal is to work with the trauma enough so it isn’t running the show.” Can you speak on this?
T.B.: [Many of us] have this fantasy that we’re going to go and do therapy. Some self-work, and then we’re going to be able to fully erase something horrible that’s happened to us in our past. I think that’s setting yourself up for disappointment because we can work on things. We can certainly have better coping skills. We can have better ways of being alive in the present moment. There still may be landmines that we step in from time to time: the pain that you feel from losing a loved one, or the ending of a relationship in some way, or whatever it may be. Some sort of horrific abuse, it’s always going to be there. So if you can find a way to make friends with it, I mean, you don’t have to love it, but make peace with it. Think about what you have learned from living through that experience and becoming a survivor.
We get hung up on all of the statistics about the mental health landscape of LGBTQ+ folks, but there’s also a lot of brilliance. There’s also queer joy. There’s a lot of stuff that is exciting and beautiful about being queer and gay. We need to be nurturing that as well. So that’s what I encourage for folks. As I say it in the book, “therapy is not the only way.” There are lots of different avenues that you can continue to work on yourself to grow and evolve. I think that’s just the human condition, right? That’s my personal belief of why we’re here.
We’re all growing and finding new ways to live authentically. Your book is an excellent guide to that. I’d love to know who would benefit from reading this book?
T.B.: …Either people who are newly in a relationship and they want to get off on a positive footing. People who are feeling a little stuck in their relationship, maybe they’re thinking about relationship therapy, counseling, coaching, or something. This could be an entry point into that. The book may be for people who are single, and they want to learn a roadmap that could apply to them. The stages that I go over in the book are… fluid. It does give you a framework and a north star to look towards. I think so often in our community, we haven’t had that. We haven’t had role models, many examples of what a thriving queer relationship or gay relationship could look like. So I just want folks to dream a little bit.
And for your book’s legacy?
I hope that the book resonates with folks. I personally believe strong relationships build strong communities. And our community, we have a lot of adversity that’s systemically facing us right now, and we need all of the help, love, and support that we can get.
100% agree. I’d love to know what’s next for you and your career?
T.B.: Yeah, so I’ve got a couple of speaking events coming up. I’m going to be doing a presentation at the AASECT Annual Conference, which is the sex therapy and sex educators conference, in June in Vegas. We’re going to be talking about differentiation, queer, and gay male relationships. I have a few courses launching on my website for gay and queer relationships. One on communication that’s completely free and has short video lessons and exercises to try on your own. And an expanded course for people who want to go deeper in their relationship.
Every year I train a group of LGBTQ+ therapists in this model. It’s a nine-month online training program, and this current cohort is going to be wrapping up in May. Then I will launch the other [program] in September. It’s a beautiful community because many of us, as therapists and coaches, don’t have much support. So having a place where you’re with community, you can talk about tough cases [is important]. You can grow, learn, and get support which is super important to me. And so that’s another passion of mine that I’m continuing to work on.
It’s great that you’re so involved and that you’re helping train people to be better mental health resources for the LGBTQ+ community. Where folks can find you on social media or stay connected with you?
T.B.: So I am on Instagram @queerrelationshipinstitute, YouTube, and then my TikTok is @therapywithTom.
Tom, thank you so much. I know so many So.Gay readers will enjoy this book and find great guidance from it.
Thank you to Tom Bruett and Jessica Kingsley Publishers for the opportunity to discuss the book. You can find more information on the book here.
©2025 Jessica Kingsley Publishers. Reprinted with permission. This article may not be reproduced for any other use without permission.
